Too Cool for School

Do You Sport Jorts?

Our convenient (and now working) high-speed internet connection makes a lot of things possible, like researching used cars, and writing frivolous posts like this one: An expose on Jorts-wearing in Middle America.

"What are jorts?"

Go ahead. Google the word. Here's a fraction of what you'll come up with.

Texas Travesty, a comedy website, claims Jorts are the hottest fashion trend.
http://www.texastravesty.com/content.php?issueNumber=2004_04&story=jorts

Don't let their sarcasm lead you astray. Jorts are not cool, I found out last Friday night. I was eating dinner with Kim, our friend Lauren, and her husband Jordan. Jordan sharply criticizes wearers of jorts, claiming that they ought to make a choice between shorts and jeans, not try to combine them. I have to concede that Jordan has a point. Combining two pleasing things does not always equal the superior product. Think of Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper; Fed-Ex Kinkos, and the similar combination of shorts and a skirt, "skorts". Who do you see wearing skorts these days? Only five-year-old girls who don't know how to wear skirts properly. Hybrid products are not always bred in wisdom.

But if Jorts are a crime, then nearly everybody is guilty of fashion faux pas. According to Jordan, Jorts are not just cutoff jeans, but any jean that does not reach at least mid-calf. Thus, anything other than capri pants and standard blue jeans are offending parties. If we all gave up our jorts, the landfills would be overflowing. If we gave them to Goodwill, who would buy them? Kids whose parents didn't know better and dressed them in jorts would be ridculed and rejected by their peers. Jorts may be wrong, but if I'm wrong, baby, I don't want to be right.

If you haven't googled it yet, I suggest you do. There's nothing worse than an uninformed jorts-wearer. And if you do choose to wear jorts, make sure you know how to use them. Unlike athletic shorts, jorts have flies that have to be zipped.

posted by Heather at 7/12/2006