Too Cool for School

What Am I Afraid Of?

For some of us, there are things we want so badly to do that we’re afraid, and we run away. Jonah was one of those people. We think of Jonah as running away from God, but I was thinking: God didn’t force Jonah. He’s never forced anybody to be his servant, that’s just not who God is. He calls us, but we don’t have to answer. To me it makes more sense that maybe Jonah wanted to serve God. Maybe he’d served God before. Maybe Jonah had preached faithfully in other cities before, but just like I’d rather teach in Highland Park than in South Oak Cliff, Jonah didn’t want to dirty his hands with the salvation of Ninevah. Maybe he didn’t feel safe, since as I recall, the Ninevites had been warlike barbarians. Maybe he had a past with these people, and he had seen the true evil of what they had done, so thatsalvation for the Ninevites didn’t seem justified. “God, you’re not fair!” I can just hear Jonah saying it. God really had to give him a spiritual spanking to get his prideful heart where it needed to be, and even then it didn’t happen right away. And here God is, saying He’ll have mercy on whom he’ll have mercy. God asks us to do what we desire to do at first, but do we stop desiring it when we see how just hard it will be?
I do!
I did. I’m running from the very thing I started out to do. Acting. Let me say that acting is not my true calling, at least not now anyway. But it is a part of my calling. I can’t direct if I can’t act. A director has got to be able to think like an actor because you have to speak their language. As an actor, you put yourself out there in the most revealing kind of way. You may as well come out onstage in your underpants, because that’s exactly how it feels. And if you fail, well, it’s the same sensation of baking this perfect soufflé and then watching it deflate as you try to remove it from the oven…I think. I’ve never made a soufflé.

Last night I sat down on the rug in front of a very insecure young actor and surprised myself by confessing, “I’m scared of acting. It’s easier to direct, because acting is so hard.” In tonight’s performance, that actor wasn’t flawless, but he had improved greatly, which made me want to throw him a ticker tape parade. There is nothing more beautiful than watching a person break loose from their fears and do something brave. He really put himself out there. He made me proud.

I’ve always thought I wasn’t afraid of anything, but really I’m less afraid of death than I am of living life to the fullest. I don’t regret teaching or directing. I want to do those, too. But it’s always good to do something you’re afraid of.


A list of things I’m afraid of.
Math
Welding
Mayonnaise
Being totally alone
Serial Killers & Rapists
Dark, empty theatres
Acting…
Figure Skating
Amusement park rides that spin in circles
Buildings that seem haunted
Driving a stick

Stuff that I am not afraid of:
Bugs
Tornadoes
Thunderstorms
Spiders
Performing in front of people
Clowns
Looking like a goofball
Big, dangerous power tools
Homeless people

posted by Heather at 3/22/2006