Too Cool for School

The Truth about Sports

I have a confession to make. I don't like watching the NFL, the NHL, and the NBA. I hate movies with hot rods, stupid criminals, mafia lingo, and drug deals goin' down.

Folks, I'm all girl.

My Mom and my sister actually like to watch sports. For a while there, I was trying to make it appear that I loved sports because that's the right thing to do. I mean, I want my guy friends to think I'm down with the sports thing, but I usually zone out unless something really exciting happens. I was in marching band for eight years and the only thing I remember about all of those dozens of football games is that we got to eat nachos during the third quarter and sing, "Hey Baby" with the tuba section.

I only like to watch sports when I care about the team that's playing, and you know what? I only really want to watch the last five minutes of the game because it's then that you find out who's winning or losing. You can believe your team is winning for three whole quarters but if they can't keep it going the last quarter, it doesn't matter. They lose. Three whole hours of your life down the drain and they lose anyway. Take OU and Texas Tech for example. I was watching it with Kim, (Only the last five minutes, of course) and we SO had this game won. Then, because the clock wasn't out yet, Texas Tech has just enough time to move the ball and score. They kept getting first downs on bad calls, and they almost scored by throwing once but the guy stepped out of bounds. It was truly agonizing and then---then what? Tech wins. Hold the phone! I just invested all my energy and passion into the last and best five minutes of the game and my team loses! See this is why I watch movies and plays and read books! You're at least assured a happy ending, most of the time. If not, then there's Orlando Bloom, and he's the reason you decided to watch the movie anyway.

Really, the only person on earth that I find joy in watching sports with is my Daddy. He interacts with his television, yelling out statements like, "You stupid idiot!"; "You buncha bums!" and "He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!". We love to say horrible things about the University of Texas. With my Daddy, no television is boring.

So now that you know the truth about me, don't invite me to come over and watch sports unless you don't mind someone who's going to talk the whole time until the last five minutes. I'm really glad I got that off my chest. If it means I'll never be one of the guys, well, so be it. At least you don't have to wonder whether or not to get me a subscription to Sports Illustrated for Christmas.

posted by Heather at 12/01/2005